sometimes when you bring the thunder you get lost in the storm
Its official, cigarettes are now more expensive than weed
In an effort to go green, I just used rainwater to fill my bong.
i hate when i ask a girl what she's being for halloween and the first word isn't "slutty"
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
Saw the college gyno today. It has now been medically confirmed that I have a perfect vagina.
Any night you end up on the couch next to the trash can with a bag of white wine on your head is a rough night.
Last night was the first night with all of the roommates, and what started as a calm night of light drinking got out of hand. There's a girl on my couch wearing only a fanny pack.
I blacked out at the bar, and blcked in getting a handjob on a roller coaster. Sober me is jealous of drunk me.
chimney cleaner pole that expands when button is pushed then pull out. Remember that. We have to patent it.
Who are you high with right now?
I can't handle dick pics with conversational captions
He wants to make me arch my back "like I'm having an exorcism". Not sure if I'm turned on or freaked out.
So what if I got a tattoo on a bus, it was sterile.
YOU RAISED A SWORD OVER YOUR HEAD AND SCREAMED AT HIM WHAT THE FUCK ELSE DID YOU THINK WOULD HAPPEN?!
I'm so gassy and it's your fault.
Randomize
