I was doing the dishes wondering what was with all the tiny little cups, but then I remembered that some people drink things other than huge mixed drinks and big cups of water the next day.
there should be laws that require people like to me to be on birth control.
I am not going to ask my mother to pause a movie so I can have phone sex.
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
You did that scary laugh you always do when you're blacking out except she's never heard it before and though you were choking and screamed at all of us when we didn't call an ambulance
I FEEL LIKE I CAN TAKE DOWN A FULLY GROWN MOUNTAIN LION WITH ONLY A POINTY STICK OH MY GOD
Ever walked into a basement full of 10 guys jerking it to a live stripper? Cause I have. Always confirm the address of a house party. Always.
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
new district manager is here. you need to come in early
5th mimosa says otherwise
Shooting a bottle rocket from my penis was entirely justified. Twenty bucks is twenty buck no matter how you look at it
Um, It's tempting but I'm not into coke or farmers.
I usually do that but weve been going unprotected with tribal fertility symbols painted above my door
He's a waste of a perfectly good penis.
Is it just me or did we have a heart to heart talk while you were naked last night?
what are you up to?
it's 8pm, i've already showered and gotten in bed. if you wanted to make plans u should have asked 3 months in advance
Randomize
