then she made me sanitize my hands before fingering her...i may have found my soulmate
So high. I just took a picture of my chewed gum so I can remember to paint a picture of it as a cloud later.
We need to stop sleeping with people based on which NFL team they like.
Im trying to find an appropriate gift to your mom for getting both you and your sister on birth control within a week, any suggestions?
I just found my coat check number in my underwear.
St Patricks Day is not the day you decide to have a sober epiphany.
He tried to cuddle with me after we hooked up and i just looked at him and said why are you still here?
I honestly can't remember your justification for putting peanut butter on your cell phone.
Everyone is speaking Spanish and this 300 hundred pound chick is talking about the time she got out of prison... Fuck this place
Did you high five my face last night?
Yes. Yes I did.
Best case scenario I do a bunch of dirty things to you, blow your mind and you enjoy it. Worst case I stare at you, poke at you, smile and droll on myself, you laugh.
Is it sacrilegious to take tequila shots on Saint Patrick's day?
Pretty sure I scared her away last night by putting a vodka tampon in my ass
I boned my sugar daddy for the first time yesterday and now I know why they say guys in their 40s are the best. Also I’m getting a car.
i told her we had a class about unicorns together. i'd say it was a good night
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