New dating criteria: what kind of ex will this person be?
I mean I woke up wearing my bathing suit which blows my mind
Still drunk just puked in the meat cooler tried to clean it up with ham. Its not working
i just did the math...im a product of my mothers birthday sex
as it turns out, there is no "i was in the pool" excuse for adderall-induced shrinkage.
Both his mom and his sister were hitting on me when I stopped by today. He isn't a real friend anyway, right?
We tried to break her futon, I crushed my balls instead. You have one less reason to be jealous that my balls are insanely huge and yours are not.
ok. i'm ready for you to come back and test the structural integrity of this futon.
Just saw a woman in bootie shorts and a winter coat at the library. God. Bless. Prostitutes.
The bartender charged us for drinks. Life is different.
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
I've found my soulmate with the cardboard Dos Equis man.
I'm gonna give the church their tithe, and the rest is a down payment on boobs.
I just drunkenly signed my mortgage application...
Is this how the global financial crisis happened?
Do you know how difficult it is to masturbate with Christmas carols stuck in your head?!
Randomize
