ugh, i have officially sinned in all of my cute clothes. i can't even wear any of them without feeling regret.
I just farted in the dogs face to show him who's boss
Did you just see the Batmobile???
Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
Literally just spent 45 minutes converting my paintball gun to shoot condoms....
you threatened to puke on the table cause they didnt serve eggs Benedict
I'm more of a 'talk at me while I stare at you' kinda girl.
Last night all you did was whine about how you needed something new and exciting
Is THAT why I woke up with dreadlocks?
Blocking me on Facebook doesn't change the fact that you've had my penis in my mouth. So there's that.
He found his first fuckbuddy I'm so proud I feel like making him a card or something
I do remember that in my dream I wasn't impressed with his dick.
Got a $290 noise violation last night for shouting "THE KING OF THE NORTH" til 2 am
sorry bout the carpet, but you DID call it "blackout punch" not "don't vom on my floor punch"
A girl showed up in my tinder and I have it set to only men... I super liked her because I need a lesbian experience
You woke up, looked straight at me and screamed "fuck barbara streisand!" and passed out again
Randomize
