You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
it must be christmas time, i've got a hankering to give a virgin a baby....
woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
my hippie aunt just sent me some brownies with a note saying not to eat them under any circumstances until finals are over. excited.
On my way back to his place to see his "art". Why am I sure this is going to be nothing more than his dick in a box?
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
I'm lowering my standards just so I can get laid, but I draw the line when a guy spells cool kewl
Nothing says love like couples STD testing
Nothing says breakup like the results
I COULD BREAK CONCRETE WITH MY FOOTBALL ERECTION.
We just fucked each other sober. #goteam
Remind me to tell you about this weekend with them. It was the least fun I have ever had drinking. And I have thrown up pork and beer through my nose on the side of the freeway.
Told a guy at the bar I was hurricane evacuees with no place to stay. Just woke up at his place. God bless Florence
So the vodka/tequila mix went down fine but the burp made me cry
Randomize
