Hard to imagine a reason apart from blow jobs that I'm awake at 530 am.
I hope his life after cheating on me is as good as Tiger's golf game is these days.
You know its a good sign when a girl asks who everyone is AFTER she flashes her tits to the room.
Hey, no judgement here...this is the girl that threw up on a box of kittens at the magician's house
Note to self: You can't deep fry cheese-its.
Don't bother coming over to clean the mess. I already paid two kids 5 bucks for it, just didn't tell them you peed all over the place. You do owe me 5 bucks though
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
I CAN CONTROL MY GERBIL WITH MY BREATH. HE FOLLOWS THE SMELL. PROBABLY WOULDNT BE AS EXCITING IF I WASNT HIGH OFF MY ASS, BUT STILL
Weekend plan is a big bag of dope, delivery food, Bollywood marathon and masterbating my dick raw.
I'm not sure what step "make amends" is, but my phone is on
Mmm. Champagne. Weed. 17 pounds of animal crackers.
We poured all the Fireball on the Slip and Slide and long story short I have two black eyes.
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
I cannot handle Xanax... I just turned my computer on and I googled how to work YouTube
I got subtly pornographic with a lollipop while we were talking and he got flustered and started to blush. If he’s not interested after that I need to turn in my vagina card.
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