I was actually kinda bummed my STD test came back negative.
That would have been proof he'd slept with the stripper. Lame.
you thought your tounge was "malfunctioning" because every time u spoke it wouldnt sit still.
my shit smells like andre
Seriously.......what do you have to do to get arrested in Vegas???
She challenged me to a game of rock-paper-scissors for her virginity. I love this girl.
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
Funny favor to ask you... can you ask James to ask Chris if he came in me ? Trying to assess whether or not I need plan B.
he tried to make a toast, but hit the moving ceiling fan with his beer instead
Family bonfire. I just discovered my cousin drank an entire bottle of champagne at the age of 7. I just got showed up.
This is part your fault too. Don't tell me your dishes are unbreakable and not expect me to prove you wrong.
Yes. I am getting trashed on an open tab while judging a karoke competition
Impressive. I approve.
I just face planted on a condom wrapper in my bed...thought of you.
You're so romantic.
Just thought you should know I'm having a reunion tour of Athens this weekend. Minus the weird guy I was fucking last time.
I'm a freaking penguin. one mate for life, and really awkward at parties
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
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