I now officially know the distance between my two boobs is one twizzler.
Can you believe The 5th Element didn't get best fight scene in 1997?! I'm still bitter. 12 years later.
Haha how do you remember that?
HOW COULD I FORGET?!
I was pretty stoned. I thought I needed a seatbelt at the restaurant.
I can do anything tonight that doesnt involve an erection.
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
I just want one of her status not to be about Jesus.
You sir are most definitely in. Better get your penis an umbrella as that bad boy is gonna get soakkkkkkeddddd.
Oh god I may vomit into the teacup of debauchery.
the potatoes in the margarita machine wasn't the breaking point. its when he turned on the stove and put a bunch of bottle rockets on it that i knew the night had prematurely failed
I remember just enough about last night to wish I didn't remember anything.
Both of our knuckles were split open this morning when I came out of the blackout, the column on the porch has two new cracks in it, were like the redneck Super Smash Bros.
I forgot to ask you how long you're housesitting. By which I mean how many bones can I get in averaging 2.5 bones per day.
20.
I'm not sure. But he has a pet sugar glider. So, points either way
As long as that's not his name for his dick.
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
Honestly, you can’t tell the whole sorority he has a donkey dick and expect that no one would sleep with him after you broke up
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