I've eaten ice cream, mentos, an extreme gulp and swedish fish today. i feel like diabetes. the actual disease not a person with it.
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
tiger just fucked it up for all of us...she grabbed my phone this morning and started asking questions.
The freshman next to me just said "I was rocking out on my way here to Dave Matthews..." I wish I would have passed this class the first time.
He said his penis was a 1 woman penis with a conscience an I was that woman...technically a declaration of commitment rite?
I feel like a food baby is going to burst from my stomach and eat all the leftovers until another food baby rips out of its stomach. And so on. It's truly a merry Christmas.
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
they have a video of him in his boxers making a snow angel in the hallway is his own vomit and coca cola.
I overcharge people for their weed so you can have yours for free, because I care
Just saw a midget on an elliptical. Epic.
I swear to god he's making pineapple onions and cheese. He thinks he's making eggs onions and cheese
Girl. There is no more toilet paper. You should have seen the twerking I just did to shake the pee off.
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
You followed me up the stairs while i was throwing up yelling "projectile! projectile! projectile!"
Ha! Just garden hosed my vag and thought of you.
Randomize
