This morning when you woke up you looked like one of the Wii Bowling people. I think it was the eyebrows combined with the sambuca
I have a client coming in and there's a note that says she wants her hair to like Elisabeth Hasselback's from the view
that's Oklahoma for you
there are singles shoved down my panties. this is the type of summer job i always wanted.
Dude, it's gettin so bad even my fantasies just wanna be friends.
I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
I am at 2.05 miles in under 11 minutes. So either this thing is broke or I should always work out wasted.
Know what's awesome? Flying a mini helicopter while you shit.
There's puke on my pillow. I'm still wearing my wedges. And I have a cab drivers number clutched in my fist.
I might not remember all of last night but I clearly remember the part where I humped the mailbox.
When you get home there will be live fish in the bathtub. I did not put live fish in the bathtub.
It's amazing the amount I can accomplish with a glass of wine in my hand.
I'd marry him just to keep his penis in the country
Is this really the life I've chosen for myself?
You were laying on the floor coloring a "get well soon' card for your liver...
He just kept going down on me. And he was all like, do you mind? No motha fucka, who would? All of his ex's, apparently. Whatever, he's a gem and I'm keeping him.
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