I judge my drunkenness on my brickbreaker playing skills. I'm winning. Suck it.
so on my way home this naked dude runs right in front me his weiner at half mast screaming i'm only doing this cause its a 50 dollar dare
woke up to 35 texts all saying im cheating on her
me and last nights hook up spent two hr. figuring out a reply we went with i love you..
He was like an evil genius with the clitoris. I don't stand a chance.
I found those 18 whoppers we bought.
Just KTHXBAIed an old man for staring at me
Nothing like a 3am firealarm to kick a booty call out...
I feel like somebody took my brain out. Stomped on it with cleats. And then put it back together with a glue stick. Thank you.
You were holding up a boot and yelling boot gang
Is this the 6 foot tall blonde I screwed in the bar last weekend?
In the bar?! Very impressive! But keep guessing!
Does buying my brother condoms for Christmas say "keep having sex with her, I like her" or "dear god, do not get this girl pregnant"?
He asked me for a pic so I sent him a pic of my boyfriends dick.
The moment I said this burrito on my nuts feels really good is the moment I knew I was drunk
I'm eating pizza in the bathtub
Just fell down the stairs..might wanna call the ambulance jus take the weed out of my pocket be4 they come..
Randomize
