my neighbors are having lesbo sex right now.
I'm on my way.
Well that wasnt the exboyfriend i expected to hook up with today
my momz letting me make the christmas card in photoshop
so that means christmas in space?
imma make our dead cats ghosts like obi wan kenobi
You'd be surprised at how many crooked penises are out there
Just took the worst coed shower ever. We both cried. AND I only shaved one leg.
I flashed a party boat full of Asians yesterday, didn't I?
You know how there are wrinkles in your brain? What if they were filled with potato chips? That's kind of how my head feels now.
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
You said you couldn't look at me because you would have to take off your sunglasses but you can't because they're the "guides to your eyes".
The best part of Easter was watching all his colorblind cousins try to find the eggs.
I know I've become a responsible adult because this time, I'm not going to do the drugs I found on the ground
I mean, I would have, but I couldn't come up with a logical reason to bring up oral sex during an orientation.
Hahaha perfect. Let's start stopping drinking tomorrow
They already have a joint checking account. She's got his balls in her purse! What's next, a shared Facebook account?
First night in my new place, I had to get drunk to get used to the idea of shitting in a new toilet
Randomize
