I don't know where I am, but its a Goosebumps novel waiting to happen.
It was like fucking a house. Down the chimney. That deep and empty.
Watching that soccer game was like getting kicked in the crotch for an hour and half and then coming right at the end.
He likes Jesus. Game over.
Oooh wait, he just told me he was high.
Can't promise anything, there's vodka in my thermos
Romantic bubble bath turned into splash war. We can't be adults about anything.
Ok more importantly someone in a chicken costume just stepped in front of my car and started breakdancing...
Nothing says "lifelong friendship" like FaceTiming in a sex shop.
I am not working on the very first day I can throw up alcohol that I legally bought and drank.
Never start off a conversation with "speaking of STD's..."
I yelled out "blow jobs!" in my macroeconomics class. Ask me more about how my life is spiraling out of control.
I bought a machete, tennis balls, and matches. How is this NOT going to be a great night?
Dude it's 6 am and you just invited me to a hotel with a shit ton of coke. Best morning ever
He tripped and fell all the way to the ground and then stood right back with out spilling a drop of his 3/4 full glass of rum and coke. It was like watching something from the matrix
How drunk was I last night?
You tried to unlock a door with your dick. That drunk.
Not the explanation for the cock bruise that I was looking for.
Randomize
