Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
Either he masturbated at the end of the bed or she gave him a bj. Either way my bed was shaking and I was uninvolved.
new plan: i think the keg will fit in my purse.
some guy had a sword and everyones crying..it turned bad..fast.
He hasn't responded, but he probably just jizzed in his shorts again, so I'll give him time.
Please. That's just a patriotism boner. I watched Michael phelps win another medal and had to change my underwear.
So you get idea of what my night was like, I woke up this morning and the back of my head was orange
Probably TMI here but I just rubbed one out while listening to thunderstruck, almost ripped my dick off.
Woke up in your shoes. Please tell me you woke up in mine
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
Question for you. Do you want to go out somewhere or do you want to have sloppy joes at my house? That's not a euphemism for anything; I actually have stuff to make sloppy joes
Don't go to jail over some guy named Bunky
Is it okay that we fucked on my car hood, in his driveway, at 4 am with cars passing by ?
Just got high with dad
Correction: more high. He's sharing gummy bears with me.
Randomize
