so..some girl walked up to me on the porch last night. She came to apologize for peeing on our lawn a few days ago. I just looked at her and said it was ok, she wasn't the first.
I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
Fuck the gym. I just shaved m'cooch and my pants now fit looser.... Dont judge me.
I need to stop making out with boys in plain view of half my class.
He looked like Harry Potter. I had to do it.
Satisfying Perfect Camera Moments
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
also bought condoms to give away to people who look like they're about to make a bad halloween decision. I'm like a fairy.
It was worse than that time I did shots of BBQ sauce and pierced my own ear with a thumbtack
You insisted we put glow sticks on you so that we didn't lose you if you went pee in the dark.
This Dog Travel Carrier is a Must
Still no second date. Guess you shouldn't show guys your taser on the first date.
When the sex is so good, you need three fans and have to chug a gallon of water after
My hot gay tattoo artist grew a beard and I'm not taking it well.
How early is too early to start drinking when studying for the bar?
I'm sobbing to NWA
If you send me one more .gif of that fumble, I will make the 10 hour drive just to set you on fire.