On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
And hes hitting me with his balls, really hard.
so her cute freckles turned out to be blackheads
so when am I gonna get some from you?
when you dick grows 3 inches
He was putting purell on my boobs saying "they need to be clean for later." He hadn't had a drink all night
Every one of her profile pictures looks like an ad for American Apparel. Of course she has syphilis.
I just saw "i'm bigger then that" as her facebook status. Would it be better to make a fat joke or correct her grammar?
The floor and the wall just switched. I'm falling.
I'm basically just sitting in the porta poTty finishing my bottle of champagne bc I am too lazy to carry it back to the tailgate
He passed out naked in my bathroom, then took a shower, then passed out again and then took another shower. Last time I let my brother visit.
One day, tell me please to stop buying shots when I'm overwhelmed. I might have just broken a tooth
it would be a downgrade if your vagina tasted like skittles
Decided to make myself tequila gummy bears but got impatient and just drank the bowl of tequila.
I'm fine w planning around your penis prospecting. Saturday it is.
I shouldn't have watched rise of the planet of the apes and then gotten high. I'm now convinced that the cats are out to get me.
Randomize
