Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
Jason just peed on the potty all by himself!!
"omg awesome!, you do realize we aren't together anymore"
He told us that was the only place he could get service when we found him in the closet passed out with a beer
I need to have sex with you on our hotel room window ledge... This is a need not a request.
I was trying to sing daddy wasnt there from austin powers but apparently I was crying and and yelling jibberish...I get to into this shit
Not sure how I feel about St Psts and March Madness being on the same weekend. I feel like I've been screwed out of a drunk holiday.
I made him say "i realize i'm cheating on my girlfriend" five times aloud before i would hook up with him. Somehow that has to lessen my bad karma
If you haven't gone to the store yet. Can you PLEASE get me some clippers my balls will thank you later
I can't wet the bed. That was the old me. I'm grown
Oh my god
You pissed off the back deck while listening to the national anthem from your phone screaming America Fuck Yea to my neighbors
Your brother just walked into my room, pissed drunk and butt naked, got into my bed and fell asleep. In knowing I am gay, you have one hour to deal with him before I do
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
Why would you keep yourself in a sharting situation
I hate him but I love him for what he does which is me
Do not let Mike show you his naughty Santa Claus outfit. It's a super long beard and crotchless pants.
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