Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
I just had a dream where Bob Saget recognized me from when I hung out with him in a dream I had months ago.
So I just googled the ten commandments... Were fucked.
you know, even black out drunk I can always remember the exact point where I should have stopped drinking.
You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
I just remember thinking, if she falls asleep, I'm totally eating that spilled chex mix right off of her.
Lightning struck the tree right outside of her window as I came inside her. I think its God's way of saying go by plan b.
But don't worry I didn't actually get stitches, although according to the health center I probably should have
Trick or treaters just rang our doorbell
Give them the moldy beer cans, we need to get rid of those
You work today? I woke up with a raging boner that was whispering your name
Its like her house is inhabited by 50 year old lesbian water color artists with a throw pillow fetish
You fucked two dudes in the same night and still went home to your cats. How does that happen?
idk about you, but when i sext i just hit em with the "yo lets bang" text
How weird would it be to ask your bro to 3d print your dick for me
Can I bother you for a second.
You always bother me but go on.
Randomize
