I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
She is totally STD
Is it a bad omen that my phone auto corrects dtf to STD
You were so hammed, you asked your buddy in Economics to plot a demand curve for Parmesan Cheese.
23 Millennials Confess The Things They Wish They Weren’t Attracted To
You've picked up chicks by quoting metal bands
When they're drunk they believe it's Shakespeare...enjoy the simple things
Everyone is sleeping and i'm sittin here in my iron man mask, watchin chelsea lately and tryin to figure out how to smoke through it.
It was smashing those cupcakes into my face that did it. Junk food and I don't mix.
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
I don't even see the point of going over to his place dressed anymore.
I hope you fall on your chin.
Jealousy makes you ugly.
23 Gruesome Scientific Facts That Will Make You Squirm
Lube is flammable
Who is this??
Can we talk about the fact that I plucked weed off your ass this morning like it's a normal thing to do?
I need to find another hobby that doesn't include being hungover.
I'm on the couch watching HGTV googling giant boob Halloween costumes so life is swell
WHY IS THERE A GOLD FISH IN MY BONG??
It's only 9 and these two girls are already walking around Walmart barefoot and holding their heels. WE NEED TO STEP IT UP.
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