oh, and bring over your fire extinguisher. we're gonna get the mailman again
U of I kids don't fist pump to Sweet Caroline. Get me the fuck out of here.
I think it's safe to say me, swords and vodka can never be aloud in the same room again.
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
I basically get to watch her life fall apart via tumblr updates
dude. this chick is staring at me like i gave her brother herpes.
finally remembered how I know that chick in my history class. she made and fed me ramen when I was wasted!
I just took my birth control with Redi-Whip. I'm that girl.
Old woman told me I looked like her son and then she started explaining to me how she wanted me to fuck her
As an added realisation of today. If we used the last time I got laid as a conceiving date I would have a two week old baby. It's been too long...
Is it possible to rally from a drunken seizure?
Like I'm literally drinking whiskey and making a stocking for my cat right now. What. Goes. On.
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
Remember that guy I fucked last month? Well I'm watching his dog this weekend while he's in the Bahamas with his girlfriend. What is my life
We were peeing side by side on the riverbank together and I felt like nothing brings you closer than drunken riverbank urinating so I caught her a friendship frog to wipe with since we left the tp in the canoe.
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