Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
suntimes in life you find a rare opportunity, mine was bonin my gf in front of the tv
she said she likes her vagina punished
being with you and your tiny dick is punishment enough
I don't know if it's the amount i drank last night or the number of taylor swift statuses on facebook but i feel like puking everywhere
Chinatown. Her fortune cookie said "accept the next proposition you receive." TELL ME NO NOW.
yes you're required to wear a bikini its the snowpocalypse beach party
told weddin planner we wanted to work in ceremonial body shots before vows. she hasnt reponded yet...
just had Stella and stale goldfish for breakfast under the watchful eyes of an inflatable cactus and 5 llama pinatas. Cinco de mayo success!
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
My favorite bartender added me on Facebook. Now he can clearly see how under 21 I am
I just remembered something. Did we really all flash the cab driver to get half off?
i accidenteley seduced the christian girl's brother so i dont think we can count on free church picnic food again
I saw pigeons eating ur dried up puke today. Last night was fucking great
You're just gonna have to make the sacrifice man.
I'm trying to hide in the table.
I want to name my colorful bowl Batman. Why? I still have yet to figure it out. But I'm calling it Batman.