she told me she had a boyfriend but the alcohol told me she didn't
Dude, this place has 10% alcohol beer on tap. It's like God's semen.
i guess that's what happens when you find your girlfriend at the zoo
our school mascot just walked into class and threw condoms everywhere. welcome to college
25 Of The Most Cringeworthy Internet Stalking Fails
The stoners next door have their couch on the sidewalk again, shirtless, soaking their feet in a baby pool and listening to loud ukulele music. I want their life.
i dont even feel safe using a push mower...that hungover
So I just tried to wake him up with a blow job and he literally touched the top of my head and said snooze button
Saturday dinner is funfetti cake and merlot. Singlehood has come to this.
You fell asleep with your fingers in my vagina. You made this a relationship.
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We're bowling witha frozen turkey in the hallway...ur missing out
Am I allowed to be in denial about being gay again? Or is that one of those things you can't do?
I don't know, but I assume drunk me had her reasons. I trust her judgement.
We went to Olive Garden so high we didn't talk and managed to be awkward enough for the waiter to ask if it was our first date
We had to push you home in an abandoned shopping trolley. You thought you were in a pirate boat and kept yelling "AVAST, ME HEARTIES".
I woke up in a front yard I didn't recognize to a grandma tapping me with her foot. What was in that punch?