6:33 AM: I'm drunk at this time of morning.
we black-lighted her bedspread and it looked like a jackson pollock painting.
we literally spent four hours convincing you that all 5 of your toes were there. no more everclear on a tuesday.
there is a time and a place for ass-grabbing and that was not it.
I would do laundry with you but I vaguely remember swallowing all my quarters last night as some kind of trick.
please don't text me until you can spell three letter words again.
he was holding his dick in one hand and my boob in the other and i looked down and thought, this is my life
Dude, for your own safety, do not bring that chick home. I'm pretty sure you're going to find a marsupial pouch smuggling a fresh batch of herpes under that hoodie. Bail bail bail bail bail.
I bought everclear. Bring your party pants and some addies
You're not gonna punch me in the face again are you?
When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
Scary truckers and hobos. These are the men I attract
You asked me to pick a color between pink and purple, and I said orange; you told me, "okay, that's a truth question". Then you asked if I had ever deep-throated a cupcake...I didn't even know what to say.
Laziness has hit a new level. I'm out of clean sexy underwear and meeting a boy tonight so I'm having a thong delivered via post mates.
i just love the holidays, i hotboxed a gingerbread house last night
I'm drunk listening and crying to Selena. How's your Monday?
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