I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
I'm outside your house...sorry I feel like I don't need formal invites anymore.
i wish i could just hire someone to go down on me every night until i fall asleep
We should make a goal to do one active thing a day, even if its like throwing a ball
And by ball i mean playing catch. Beer pong does not count as an activity
my dad just asked me if my booty call guy that comes over at 3am and leaves at 6 would like to stay for sunday brunch next week. you in?
while i was sleeping he changed my screen saver to his dick with a heart frame around it. I just might be falling in love.
Thank god I didn't get free from the hospital restraints. I wouldent have lasted long drunk, startled and in an ass-less gown In D.C.
You kept sacrificing me last night. You would just yell out "Virgin Sacrifice!!" and then throw me into a circle of men.
Why didn't you ever bring me to the pope as a baby so he could kiss me.
CUTE BOY IN THE OFFICE WALKED BY AS I WAS STARING IN HORROR AT HARRY POTTER THEMED SKELETON PORN
He asked when the last time I had sex was. I had to look at the clock and respond "12 hours ago"
You were in no condition to manage a 3-way.
Fuck the walk of shame. I make this shit glorious.
The fact that you arent wearing shoes probably just adds to the classiness
Condom wrapper stuck to my shirt ups the anty
He was shirtless in my yard saying he was jesus
Is it sad that my idea of a quality foursome would involve one person eating me out while the other two rub my feet?
Randomize
