i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
you were holding her hair as she threw up saying "I'm going to be a great doctor" repeatedly.
He was singing Will Smith Just the Two of Us to his burrito. That high.
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
This time, try to not get fingered in the middle of the living room.
I DIDNT GET FINGERED
I was rubbed
Are you having sex right now? Or is the apt just swaying rhythmically on its own? Either way, awesome.
I don't want anything to do with the Darth Vader stripper babe. I'm just trying to make dreams come true.
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
i wish i could tell my students that all of their lessons plans were brought to them by captain morgan and diet coke. it's like seasame street, only for high schoolers being taught by a student teacher.
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
Just convinced a housekeeper at work to set up her 401k. Gotta start hittin the gb every morning before work. Happy 420
He can't say no, it's my spiritual goddamn quest.
I did something very bad. More specifically, my boss.
Don’t eat the Doritos. Jeff was eating them while he was watching porn
He ate me out in a limo while we were driving home. I love bars being open again!
Randomize
