She just asked me if I was going to kiss her cat goodby too... This is why we don't stay till last call.
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
Is it physically possible to shit out my own bone marrow? Because if not, then I need to see a doctor immediately.
You sent her a pic of your dick with 'guess what you cant have anymore' written on it with a marker.
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At the same time. Hot men feeding me brownies. In between rounds of sex.
Your "OraGel will numb anything" theory was the worst thing I ever believed in.
i swear to god. if they dont have practically DTF written on their foreheads, or a glowstick in their hands, strictly no entry.
You walked in, sat down, looked at the waiter and said, "I'm only having deserts and liquor."
He taped a champagne bottle to both his hands and called himself edward champagne hands. At one point he poured some on his lap and said " Just needed to make sure my dick got some too"
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He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
So doing the math I dated almost 2 of me in penises. Like, if I you layed them out lengthwise it would be 2 times my height.
I am having the most awesome nonsexual conversation about my vagina right now
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
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