Driving with balloons in your car is more annoying than that bubble fart that doesn't leave your ass after your previous fart.
I just fired a shotgun out of the back of a truck going 60. i am going to miss oregon.
Just dunked an oreo in a white russian. Trying to think of a better experience in my life and failing.
I just woke up and checked my e-mail, and apparently while drunk I bought a blowtorch. Thought you'd want to know.
I imagine my 13 hours of sleep after my 3 day upper bender was similar to Jesus rising from the dead.
when she said she was from California you started sobbing. You begged her not to melt your popsicle because you paid good money for it and you just wanted to eat it in peace.
the higher we get, the more he looks like ray charles.
I am literally hand feeding my crying ex boyfriend taco bell. What has my life become?
You know its good night when theres makeup smears on the toilet seat
let's just say if he has a penis and he hypothetically needs to put it somewhere... i would take care of that for him.
I woke up this morning and the search history on my phone says: "What is this castle in front of my house?"
if i cared i wouldnt have woken you up by pouring a bottle of soy sauce on you.
is that what this stuff is?
Just read 119 best sex positions. I wanna try 107 of them. Can I put you down for 50?
in fetal position in his closet not sure if he knows im here... hugging his spongebob cake pan i stole.... now please come find me..
I wet willied a stranger last night didn’t I?
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