why is it that everyone in pennsylvannia gets fucking prego??
I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
there was enough confetti in my bra to throw another NYE party
her dad is making me watch Glen Beck, i only agreed because i penetrated his daughter earlier.
Well if all fails we can always become surrogate mothers. I hear that pays well.
The strippers from this weekend suck at words with friends
Apparently drunk me was getting hit on and i wasn't into it so i shouted "Stupify" at him like i was fucking harry potter then went to the pizza place next to the bar and punted some guys pizza box out of his hands. :(
Pizza rolls are incredible. They are like sex, except I have them sometimes
I tell you, MacGyver never had to put up with people shitting themselves while he worked...
Well, I crapped my pants in front of her entire family, was laughed out of their house, and I had to walk home with shit stained pants. So, yeah, it went really well.
When I went to pick up Adam from the train station, I found him passed out, covered in gold paint and wrapped in a red blanket. someone had glued a gaudy green rhinestone to his forehead. He looked homeless.
The only thing I remember is the 300 pound man breaking ur railing from sliding down it at 3 am. Must of been a good night.
I accidentally made jungle juice last night.
I'm in the fetal position trying to figure out a way to get someone to deliver me pancakes.
No I’m scared man. She sharted. In my car. Wearing a dress. And I still like her.
Wow
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