I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
Don't threaten to terrorize my ass hole unless you have to wherewithal to back it up
it was like eating out sand paper
There's a hand-carved wooden bong in my backpack, and i really wish i could remember last night now.
the arrest was probably divine intervention, cause i think we were heading to an ill-advised threesome.
Just called the bar: "hi this is the girl who you kicked out for excessive bleeding, do you happen to have my coat?"
Just proved I could salsa dance in a bar where no one was dancing
Sidenote...no idea how to salsa
We were messing around at his place it was going fine until he said, "I'm going to cum, hand me the shot glass"
I shouldn't be that hard, but i cant exactly put "a guy to tie me up and fuck me and then brush my hair" in my dating profile
Yes, yes I will fake crap in his house for you.
It all started with sending him a text about Spongebob. It escalated from there.
Fuck it, if you can't drink cheep beer and whiskey with me, I don't want you.
Next time you decide to go downstairs hungover, please warn me. I now have to explain to twenty eight year olds why you were naked.
I asked for a cup of water. They gave me tequila. They WANT ME TO DIE
If my life today were a movie the subtitle would be: Revenge of the Beer Shits
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