my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
opening your purse in class to grab a pen only to find dollar bills and pink fuzzy handcuffs instead...that's a cool feeling
Whatever. I'm saving myself for my wedding night or a night with enough patron.
and she just brought her bike into the shower with her
By the way I peed in a mug last night cause you were in the bathroom and im pretty sure it is still in the kitchen.
I'm eating a subway sandwich in the bathtub because I don't want to move. God bless boys from Brooklyn
It's the 3rd day of the year and I've already sucked two dicks. New year same ole me.
After we finished having phone sex he proceeded to serenade me with Ave Maria. It was magical.
I DONT HAVE THE SOCIAL SKILLS TO EXPLAIN THAT YOU DIED EATING MY PUSSY
Typical Sunday morning text...are you alive?
Remember how I made that resolution to remain celibate for 6 months? Well, I just broke that
You literally made that 4 hours ago...
This is the difference between me and him; he buys you flowers, I buy you a dildo
He told me he would make me come so hard I would throw up. I'm actually horrified that he thinks that's something any person would want
im pretty sure i tried to use axe body spray to cover up the strong urine smell coming from my jeans. im also pretty sure that it didnt work.
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
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