from now on, im only gona ahve sex with my boyfriend.
you took out flashcards at the bar and went around asking guys what totalitarianism meant.
It's an open bar on a yacht... I'm going to drown.
Apparently, his doctor was impressed with how well we took care of his leg. We're like the kings of naked triage.
just threw up what i'm pretty sure look like contents of a lava lamp
Maybe he meant to say like I love fucking you? But just forgot the fucking part.. That's what I'm telling myself.
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
Dude at the bar last night came into the bathroom, drop kicked the stall open and start saying lines from happy Gilmore as he was shitting, "go in your home! Are you too good for your home?!"
Wound up hungover. Visiting 4 y/o nephew suggested cookies and milk and playing Kirby with him with the sound down. This kid is going places.
Those boxers don't belong to me anymore. They belong to the desert surrounding Phoenix.
there is a guy with a glowstick staff outside my house
Sorry I've been a slutty nightmare this week
Someone broke into my car last night. Didn't take anything, even left the beer in my backseat. They need to get their priorities straight, obviously.
Ive seen a birth plenty of times, pretty awesome like a bear trying to climb out of a volkswagon.
Don’t get me wrong—I love silver and bracelets—but handcuffs are not a good look on me…
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