quick I need to know all the foods that the very hungry caterpillar ate
My mom just found some of our lube mixed in with my box of pots and pans. I hate moving home.
He's warming up to shark week, by only eating fish and drinking vodka, and all the time he keeps yelling "death to the seals!"
I walked in and she was doing shots, betting the managers if any of the customers would notice, and screaming that nothing would ruin her Saturday night. Say what you want, I like working with my sister.
Just found out the guy that gave me herpes died. now everytime I get a flare up, it'll be like he's coming back to say hello
someday when you wake up in a dumpster we'll have to have this conversation again...
And on top of all this... he just told me to "chill my nips."
He just remixed a spongebob song with 2 chainz..... Clearly I love him
Showed up physical therapy hammered. The therapist just says this isnt part of the program.
I put a bagel at the end of my bed so every time I want a bite I have to do a sit up
I am 5' 11" of pure, uncut Fuck Off right now.
I’m going to fail his daughter so she stays in my class and I can keep fucking him. BEST. ORGASMS. EVER.
Then you can teach the kid to be a home wrecker
I'm going to get him a gold star sticker and put it on his dick
My sister gave me satin sheets. We can fuck on satin sheets.
If I wanna spend the whole night tied up and getting railed I'm allowed to do so
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