we had that weird still in bed morning after conversation. Her dad is the vp of my company.
I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
i woke up to 115 texts from him all saying "do you love me??"
come home now. i got a twizzler tangled in my hair again
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
I was passed out on the couch, she literally cut my boxers off with a 8" chef's knife and had her way with me.
He asked me where I wanted it. I told him in the condom. He stops mid thrust and says "you're no fun" and then blew. Chivalry is semi dead.
Diet Starts Tomorrow! Guy from McDonalds asked if I got a new car...
Dude that chick had a dog in her car. Like when she goes bar hoping so does roofus. He gaurds the car.
Munching saltines, sippin Gatorade, and trying not to get eaten by this small horse
The last two times I had sex with him I forgot who it was half way through
Please don't explain what tea bagging is to my mother.
Worst case scenario- he paid me for sex with meatloaf. There are worse thing, right? I mean at least is was good meatloaf.
I wish I may, I wish I might, get some daddy dick tonight
well we started off by chasing vodka with chocolate milk and ended up trying to befriend a crippled raccoon so that should tell you how our night went
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