When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
I don't have the money to get a cast so we made one from stuff at the craft store.
we were wasted and he didn't have a condom so he called the front desk and asked for one. They didn't "officially" have them but the night manager happened to have one in his wallet. He brought it to the room with two mints.
Yo, if someone calls you asking for John Stamos, just go with it.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
There are bud lights poping out of the zipper of my overnight bag and my dildo almost fell out in the elevator. not professional
My mom now keeps ice cubes on hand for my bong water. We may be able to work this relationship out.
oh, so if i go friday and she's there, you are going to be my sponsor for not banging the crazy chick
I just want a teacup pet pig so I can take him to parties with me and never have to walk home alone again.
I couldn't drink enough to fuck the friend, you said challenge accepted and stole some chicks shot.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
As soon as I got there, you appeared out of no where, yelled "they're giving away free cigarettes!" in my face and then disappeared and I didn't see you the rest of the night.
My pants are on and I'm pretty sure I tried to throw them at someone.
My mom just asked me about the teeth marks on my headboard..
Floor bacon is actually really good
i just really want to fuck a guy wearing lederhosen
it'll be sexier than it sounds, i promise
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