I believe that I finger-banged my way to the top of the corporate ladder.
soooo.. i guess the cop said he'd drop the charges if i go to some AA meetings and i said fuck AA. not one of my better choices.
I was cleaning up my drunken mess and I found my ID in a cereal box
is it really high of me to have brought my own hot sauce to wendys?
my mom just told me its unladylike to have toothpaste stains on my clothes all the time.. if she only knew.
"Hung over, tired and having a faint scent of some body butter and random pieces of glitter from a girl named gigi, almost arrested in drug bust, $40 Canadian in my pocket and all i got was this lousy Tshirt" shirts dont exist, but they need to
she said we were using the spray butter as air freshener
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
He rubbed my back afterwards. I forgot how to talk and I legitimately thought I was a cat for a few minutes.
Do you miss the park or do you miss us having sex in public?
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
Too bad Amazon Prime wouldn't get the wine bra flask to you in time. Concealed alcohol and huge tits? Win-win.
Our relationship is perfect
90% threatening to punch him in the dick 10% actual dickpunching
He literally said, while inside me, "I would smack your ass but I don't want to wake my mom up". Amazing.
we didn't have sex though. because i have the will power of an ox.
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