I thought if I stared at him long enough he'd walk me to my car. but he didn't. he dddidn't. i rreally thought i had those powers.
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
look, i dont wanna be "that girl" but if someone offers me coke in exchange for sex, i cant say no.
Fuck. I just got my nipple tweaked by a plus size drag queen in a purple dress. I feel like I got molested by Grimace.
I bruised my spine.. Jungle gyms were clearly not meant for sex.
I thought your voice was coming from the walls. I've never been so relieved to find you naked in a closet
wait no I wore my bra home that morning. I stole someone's bra last night?
i'm pretty sure i can feel a baby kicking just looking at him. if he didnt impregnate you, you officially have an iron-clad uterus.
My vag is like the Sahara
Ew that's gross.
The sad truth. Barren and empty.
You also hate cartoons and musicals, so I will take that to mean the movie was as awesome as I thought it was..smoke weed
He said he actually "met" me for the first time through a picture his housemate had of me, drunk and passed out in a pool of my own vomit, on the floor of his basement.
Well. We had sex and then watched 6 episodes of Dateline NBC together; only breaking the silence to make disapproving noises at shotty police work. So basically yea I'm gonna marry him.
It was a "have 911 on speed dial" kinda night
if you and your penis don't hurry up, I'm getting drunk without you.
Santi's no longer allowed to buy booze in my lane. Last thing I need is a midlife crisis looking at his Id again.
Randomize
