Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
I'm at the casino and some dude apparently has money in an entire row of slot machines. Its like watching a really intense adult version of wack a mole
she carries around a jar of peanut butter. "just in case".
Some guy stole lobsters by hiding them in his pants. We should strive to be like him.
So I think I might just embrace the awkwardness and say he fingerblasted her cause thats the greatest word in existence
me blowing you awake is the exact turn i want our relationship to take
Just watched an entire Mariachi band walk of shame home together. Halloween at its finest
somehow attending a funeral viewing turned into me snorting cocaine in the bathroom and drawing ninja turtles for children
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
Well, I woke up on a roll-away, with a knot in the back of my head and penis confetti stuck to me. Also, I apparently literally gave the shirt off my back right before I passed out, so I was topless. Vegas won this trip.
All I ever do is give guys anxiety problems and flaccid penises.
I'm glad you found someone that both loves you and is cool doing coke off your tits. Proud of you.
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
My mother expressed her concerns about my drinking via a facebook message.
I am high. And my mom surpised me today. Now i am high and with my mom....bad idea
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