yo dude i was totally schwabbin last night.
what does that even mean?
you ever see those charles schwabb commercials, where the people are like half cartoon half real.... well yeah i saw that in real life.
Holy shit I just stopped short on route 18 because I thought my gps was saying I had to turn right in 11 feet. After almost hitting the guardrail I realized I had to turn in 11 miles.
Fuck I'm high.
im just gonna turn drinking alone on new years into a tradition
we could easily be the first people to smoke 3 bowls and pound a Four Loco before goin on a tour of the Tillamook cheese factory
You couldn't stand up so I took you home, took off your makeup, put you to bed then shaved off your eyebrows. I so nearly won the responsible adult prize.
Her boyfriend only talks to me because I know her period schedule
I'm in a hotel full of Marines. I'm leaving here pregnant.
My bed is full of blood and feathers
I know it I should, but it's kinda nice. It's smells like unbridled enthusiasm and copious amounts of melt your face off sex.
That unicorn pillow pet really made sleeping with my head in the toilet a little better.
Still dying that you shit outside
it's pretty awkward texting you how much I want to suck your cock when I have my mom on speakerphone.
On my way
We really gotta wear capes to the bar more often...
I attempted to walk home at 5:30 this morning cuz i was mad at him cuz he didn't want to cuddle and didn't have pizza. I got 3 houses down n fell over.
I really love you. Like, more than tequila...& we both know that's my favorite.
Randomize
