so he tried to quietly tell me my Tampon String was hanging out in front of his family but i didn't hear him so he yelled it
i ate 2 chicken nuggets and puked out 5. that doesn't even make mathematical sense
i just carried on a conversation with my mother from another room mid-ejaculation. you would have done the same
I want to die. Marc and I were making out in the hallway and fell into a fire hose in a glass case. It shattered everywhere. Everyone thought we fell out a window. I think I have glass in my back. Awesome.
She had one of those kid princess beds. I asked how she expected to fuck on that and she just said "thats what the slide is for". I've never wanted to marry a one night stand before.
I know how I'm going to make my fortune.. designing an icepack made specifically for the vagina.
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
He told me he was married and then fingered me on the kitchen counter. It was awkward to explaining the broken toaster to my roommates this morning...
You were literally hanging out the window and dancing to the remix to Ignition when we drove you home
He didn't call me beautiful but he came in less than five minutes so same thing, right?
We're fucking and Lee Greenwood God Bless the USA comes on and he came. It was the most Roll Tide America moment of my life.
Apparently he got pepper spray on his dick. So he's a literal fire crotch.
He was so high he started playing Twister on the striped rug. Then when we missed midnight he went on a screaming rampage about his New Year's Eve being meaningless. How do you think it went?
I think it might be the guy sitting next to me. I've concluded he HAS to be smuggling insane amounts of onions in his wardrobe to smell like that
Dude you came into the room last night soak and wet and told me you just took a shit in the shower
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