Flying to Orlando on the 7th is cheaper than the 8th by like three margaritas.
my ex just saw me in his brothers bed. fuck yes revenge feels good
Sometimes he has weird facial hair...Basically he has a penis... that's what he's got going for him.
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
Grandma is giving me marriage advice again. On the plus side, she thinks I'm straight now.
BTW the amount of schmoozing I am doing towards some guy for an ID that may or may not look like you... You better love me.
I plan on having so much gay sex in our house while you gone.
One of my students submitted a thesis proposal to find the exact correlation between desire for sexual intercourse and vaginal heat.
Tell me you accepted it! This is critical fucking research!
Can I come take down that wallpaper yet? I stopped seeing that dude and I need to occupy my time with something besides getting drunk at bingo night and cussing out old people. Also, i'm not sure on the legal stipulations but I might have, unintentionally, committed grand theft auto at some point.
Just bc you put "its cute" at the end of it doesn't change the fact that u have called me a vag twice this morning and its only 10:03
It's amazing where one well timed dick pic can get you in life.
Never play truth or dare with a girl who carries a dildo in her purse. I'll never go to a Denny's again.
The struggle bus has heated seats and stops at Dunkin on Friday mornings so I'll be okay.
If I could tell my younger self three things it would be: 1. Smoke a lot more weed 2. Have a lot more sex 3. Own a good set of pots and pans
Those brownies did us in. I honestly blacked out completely.
What brownies? Ohmygod.
Randomize
