I am not having having sex with guys at the moment.
I can pretend to be a girl if you want. I have a tongue.
Well at one point you put icyhot on your feet because you lost your shoes and it was snowing outside.
I wish alcohol would automatically work as birth control if you have sex drunk.
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
So currently I have a block of cheese duct taped to my air conditioner in lieu of a fridge.
I noticed when you had too much when you were yelling "HOE-HAVE-A-SEAT" to his cat.
I woke up on the ground next to a bed of naked men. I'm either a drunken genius or the enemy....
The sign say "Kereoke" strip bar. 5 more beers and ill be ready to rumble.
You had sex with a mute, how is that not funny
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
Well I took a spicy wing shit in a field this morning.
I am going to piss jack daniels before daylight.
Daylight. It is daylight. Who will give you a ride back?
I hope no one. I want to walk and have a bus hit me.
Dude, you were so drunk you were hanging from the ceiling of my car pretending you were a sloth while we were on 81.
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
It feels weird going to sleep without hugging the toilet goodnight
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