I hate all girls vehemently.
Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
do you think there was ever a doctor who smelled his finger after giving a prostate exam?
No.. It's totally over.. He deleted the poke I sent him.. That makes it official.
We had break up sex twice. He said one was cause he had to say goodbye to both tits.
she was in the bathroom washing her eye makeup off with hand sanitizer.
I just feel like I should give it a rest. I'm too old to be drinking bottles of grey goose and falling into koi ponds.
Sometimes I hate my life and then I remember I live in the WORLD CAPITAL OF RUM
You don't understand. This could be the last time I shave a star into my vag. Get over here.
I asked my boss to leave early for a booty call. She said yes. See.... everyone sees it's important I get laid.
sexting foreigners is the best. they respond with silly things like "love that tits"
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
Sensing a theme here
If alcoholism is a theme, yes.
For a second I thought that you were becoming a decent person again. I am glad I was wrong.
Why can't they just let me be the gorgeous cum dumpster that I know I'm meant to be?
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