I've never had a man I enjoyed more than steak
Steel Reserve is the RC Cola of alcohol. It's never ok.
I'm already at the bar. It's 2 PM. Help
I'm sorry, but the way we fuck, they don't make condoms strong enough not to break
I just reached for my seatbelt when I sat down to pee... Might be a little hungover.
We left around 4am, just after you laid down on your front lawn to take a piss. After 15 mins I said "dude are you still peeing?" you replied "Nope, just laying here with my dick out."
I need a hug and tequila
I'm sitting next to a milk crate full of tequila right now
This is why we need to live in the same city again
So is there a reason your dad is passed out naked in my shower? P.S. Congrats on the family dong.
I didn't get it..
I'm sorry. But to the original question please.
Where the fuck do you get consience sedatives from?
It was all fun and games until she said "you're so pretty I wanna punch you in the face" and the proceeded to punch her in the face
Waking up with cheese all over my clothes and my vibrator in my pants is a sign we drank way too much tequila last night
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
I'm sitting on the couch playing the sims, how's ur night going?
I'm sitting on my floor, drinking wine, and listening to bette midlers "wind beneath my wings"
Why are our lives so predictable?
He makes bad life choices and drives a wagon, how is that not my type?
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
Randomize
