he's afraid if he sleeps with me i'll go all lavender brown on him
Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
You guys seriously fuck to bieber? That's embarrassing...
when you agree to fuck a guy it does by NO means make it okay for his roommate to hide in the closet with doritos and watch
Is it too much to ask that I wake up one morning with out a pic of your dick as my wallpaper??
I just found out the guy that lied and blew me off got arrested, his mugshot is online. Life is good.
I'm about to start putting my tampons in the microwave for a few seconds these plastics applicators and this weather don't mix
Pregnancy test = positive. Hope you still have our old guess who game 'cause daddy elimination begins now.
This is my life. Enjoy the view
He painted a swimsuit on me. Naked day at the lake was a success.
Our breakfast options are microwave popcorn, wavy lays and fireball
I just brought her a lipstick taser. So just remember that the next time you get smart with her
The cop told you he couldn't let you pee. You just pulled your pants down and squared anyway and im surprised you didnt get arrested.No more drinking for you.
I'm about to go get lunchables and alcohol. Take that adulthood
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
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