Ps there is totally a drug addled prostitute in olympic pizza asking for change for a 100 bill
He is such a gentleman, he paid for my plan b
No better way to find a friend than to offer cyber sex and see what happens
The National Anthem was on so I had to have a beer
We were squawking at each other for over an hour like chickens. Literally. Never touching the stuff again and never again showing my face at that Denny's.
Found your glasses drenched in ketchup on my driveway this morning
Doing lines off a plate that says, "things go better with coke."
first reaction to dying the pubes purple - awesome. Reaction after I explain the process - not awesome. Hypothesis? when girls find out you know to bleach and dye your hair, they're turned off.
he knocked a glass of water onto my bed and then said that he should get to sleep on the dry side because he was "a guest"
Just saw a woman in bootie shorts and a winter coat at the library. God. Bless. Prostitutes.
Will you be my therapist? I don't want to tell me secrets to a strange person and be judged all over again when you have already taken the time to do it. Oh and I will pay you with alcohol
I am not working on the very first day I can throw up alcohol that I legally bought and drank.
You are the best. Or certainly adequate for tempering my unholy desires.
That's the nicest thing you've ever said to me.
Wine and a Lunchable. That would be depressing if it wasn't the pepperoni and mozzarella one. Those are the shit!
Look, his dick is so good at being a dick that it makes me see God. And I don't even believe in God.
Randomize
