I hate ducks.
What?
they're sketch. like squirrels. squirrels are sketch as fuck.
How did I get so drunk? We had to fish that girl out of the Goodwill Donation Box.
yeah that facebook group of people who have had sex with me probably isn't to discreet...
A relator touring our house this week saw the picture in our bathroom of steven passed out, yellow faced, with BALLS on his forehead, and had to ask "if that kid was alive or dead".
He had rug burn on his nose from my landing strip
I was going to text him and apologize but I didn't want him to think that meant I approved of him being my niece's booty call.
I just sneezed and it made my entire body ache. Hungover is an understatement
You remember the guy they called Meat in high school? Well, let's just say my vagina remembers him now.
Dude... I had a dream that I was getting high for the first time. I got to experience my weedginity again. It was glorious.
He sent me a selfie with his cat. He has found a way to my heart. And pants.
I had a dream last night that I answered the phone and after I said hello, Shia Lebeouf started yelling "DO IT! JUST DO IT!" That's when I knew, I had officially become meme trash.
I guess you know it was a good night when you find your ripped underwear in your pocket, and a nerf bullet falls out of your pant leg 😂😂
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
I made her pull the car over 5 times to puke because she was going to fast, apparently she was only going 30mph...
My drug dealer just told me goodnight...I still don't know his name. But I guess you can say we've moved to the next step.
Randomize
