His dick was poking my bladder. That big...
You only ask me to come over when your gf is gone, and thats usually at midnight to cook chicken salad and watch you pass out
The first clue should've been that he literally had shit in his hair. How does that even happen?
I don't care if he's straight, his cock will be in my mouth by midnight. Like a closeted Cinderella.
Question: would asking the hot guy from the grocery store to "beer me" his number be a poor decision?
The last bar we left there was a sausage stand right outside and I apparently felt bad those guys were working that late, so I bought a $9 sausage, gave it to some drunk kid and said "I support local businesses!!" I'd say I've done my civic duty.
That man gives me hope. I can't help it. And by "hope" I mean "wood."
I should rephrase... I'm trying to not sit on other peoples faces besides my boyfriends.
I WOKE UP IN A FUCKING DOG BED HOW DO YOU THINK I FEEL
I'm literally taking a shit naked holding a bottle of wine.
Bro I needs to be rescued in 30 mins...prfeebly someone died in a car accident needs to be the excuse
If you're going to be single forever, you should try the quesalupas at Taco Bell.
Hold on, I'm taking nudes in a blanket fort right now
I called plan parenthood at 407 am... Guess I was thinking ahead
I just found glitter glue on my jesus bracelet...am I really that gay?
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