That penis you're staring at is the penis of heartbreak. Stay away. It will break your heart AND keep you away from other penises. BACK. OFF. THE PENIS.
My sister came home, pulled two nalgene bottles of jaeger-bomb out of the fridge, changed out her 3 inch heels for 6 inch heels and left in under 3 minutes. I've never been more proud of her.
lesson #1 of freshman year: grinding with a sombrero is difficult
dude, you declined head because you wanted to tell her about how you put cinnamon in your weed. also, we're low on Chef Boyardee
It's not that I'm in love with her, so much as I would love to be her lesbian experience.
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
In related news, I couldn't want to blow you more if your dick made harmonica noises.
i was talking to them for like 5 mins and they were like HEY LETS GET A PICTURE and tequila said it was good idea
Also cheers for the reminder to check last night's texts. It's been a magical adventure through drunk me's thought process.
I lost my flask somewhere between dancing shirtless to The Spice Girls and walking around Wawa opening/eating things and putting them back.
Just fyi there is a naked girl somewhere in your house. I woke up and she was gone, definitely left her clothes tho
I had to reschedule my trainer meeting so now I'm just here eating hot pockets
Well I didn't get a shacker shirt but I somehow managed to come home with superman socks
I came so hard I went blind for a few seconds.
I AM OFFICIALLY LICENSED TO BE A LESBIAN
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