Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
i remember introducing him to all my posters and making him be extra nice to frank sinatra and bob dylan before he fucked me
See this is what happens when we don't have sex everyday
Wait does semen show up on blood tests?
He was "hot guy in the dark". One of us had to sleep with him. I took the bullet you're welcome.
Nautical themed porn is also great bc someone usually wears a captains hat
It's situations like these that make me climb out of windows
All I remember is the bartender saying your sucking them down and waking up on the floor in my underwear
Better not shit yourself at the gym.
I just want to say that I've always loved you and you are my best friend ever
You gave that creepy guy my number, didn't you? You really need to learn how to just say no, not interested.
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
Haha word. Sure I can do that. Help me find which bar has my pants and you'll get free tacos all week
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
Randomize
