On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
I puked in the cab and in my hair and he didnt even know
The ratio was 19 to 1 and the 1 was lauren so it didn't even count.
Today was the day I stopped kidding myself and started buying the handle of vodka.
If you're still awake, how rude would it be if I masturbated in her new apartment on moving day? If you're asleep, then ask me how it was.
You know, be my cock's hype man.
FYI I'm about to upload a vid of you to facebook of you screaming "SNACK ATTACK" and throwing cheetos at everyone playing pong...
He made me write my name on his wall in crayon so he'd be able to remember it in the morning
just filed my taxes drunk as balls. i may be going to jail.
You can jump from the roof to the pool. Trust me. I have done this before.
He made a playlist to use during sex...that ended with The Ultimate Warrior's entrance music.
What the matter? A girl can't play some Super Mario without being accused of being high?
I'm pmsing and only have one functional foot
I'm just blindly tossing my dick into whatever comes my way.
Randomize
