mmmm my 21st bday fucking sucks all my best friends are pregnant...selfish assholes. they just couldnt wait til after my bday.
that's almost as bad as that time i almost ashed in a baby carriage
Can you call him, he said something about going to the balcony to pee and now hes texting me saying hes lost
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
What sexual position says im sorry for your loss?
i introduced myself to everyone by my new name, thundergooch. i threatened the neighbors with a hammer when they used my real name. needless to say, sailor jerry was not kind to me.
If we order a pizza and I contribute 9 cents, is that fair?
Lets trade lives
And i will lay in bed and piss all over everywhere, drink whiskey and have sex with married bears
he literally referred to his penis as the alaskan bull worm from spongebob. when can we get married
So shaving my butt whilst humming "be prepared" is now in my top five weirdest Friday night activities.
im too broke to be in a relationship this close to the holidays
I hooked up with a guy named Quan.. I literally hit the Quan
I'm tired, but I'm gonna go with "I watched the debate last night and part of my soul died"
Drank vodka clubs for 6 hours last night. Holy shit just realized that.
Best neighbors ever! They found the guy ive been wanting as a booty call and got me invited to the party the guy was at and gave me alcohol so i could be tipsy when met him. im never moving.
Randomize
