My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
Just hide your weed in your baby brothers shirt. TSA wont check a baby, thats fucked up
Sitting on the floor in my kitchen eating taquitos. Being this drunk the next day has lost its allure post graduation.
She was the most uninteresting drunk I've met
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he tried to make a toast, but hit the moving ceiling fan with his beer instead
I think the best part was when you jumped over me naked.
my tonsil wound opened up during the kegstand but i stopped it with a popsicle
He had a 99.9% chance of getting laid...until he started cutting down the frat's volleyball nets with his pocket knife.
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
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I just walked out topless, stared his brother straight in the eye, and ate all the rest of their cookie dough.
We're doing a team debriefing of Saturday night in group text right now. As 75% of the female presence at that party we saw some shit.
I should know better than to open your texts at the grocery store
I havent moved from the couch and I'm licking peanut butter from a spoon, I'm a beautiful person.
I swear I'm going to walk in one day with you in a ballgag just masturbating feverishly
Well i can't stand the sound of my own crying
Yea and there’s destruction when we’re together, mostly of our livers but W/e
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