my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
Martha Stewart would most definitely roll a great joint.
She's like a pop up book from hell.
Some asshole just brought BK into my summer class, im already high as hell, i did not need another way to not pay attention
Hangover cure: shower, throw up again, sleep for 4 hours, eat salsa, brush teeth. Good to go.
I could be wrong, but im pretty sure i jumped off the roof after my lighter.
No no no...you park the car, stick your tongue down his throat, slip your number in his pocket, invite him to insomnia, and THEN LEAVE. You go from awkward to epic in a matter of seconds.
Guess which frat house I just walked out of! And on a related note... guess who's uncircumsized
I guess I made wings because there's chicken everywhere. Even on the walls. 3 of them. It's like a chicken grave yard.
Alright fuck it. Alcoholic Jamie is back and here to stay.
Ugh I miss culture and lesbians already
I know you're my sister, but I'm pretty sure I'm going to have sex with one of your exes this weekend. He's probably not gay, but I'll let you know.
Her ass is the reason I still believe in a higher power
I think that's the first time I had "ass rimming" scroll across my phone at work
you had me at "meet me in the bathroom"
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